Topic: A funny joke for you

I have just had my mate on the phone in tears. He said his wife had left him and took his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish.

Poor b**tard. No woman. No sky

.
"I turned my husband into a Millionaire". said the first woman.

"What was he before he met you" asked the second woman.

"A Billionaire" the first woman replied.
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Osama bin Laden has sent another video to an Arab TV station in which he urges Muslims to go to holy war against America and the UK. He finishes by saying: "I am alive and well. I am not a recluse who lives in fear and exile. To prove this, I can tell you that Liverpool were crap last Sunday."

Government officials claim that this recording could have been made months ago. :-)

QUOTE:

A tiny little girl all curls and smiles, showing missing front teeth, comes into a pet shop, and lisps:
"Have you any wittle bunny wabbiths?"
The shopkeeper is delighted at this little charmer, and crouches down to her height and says:
Yes, we've got wittle white bunny wabbiths, fluffy wittle black bunny wabbiths, and tired, thleepy, wittle brown bunny wabbiths. Which bunny wabbit would you like?"
And the little girl says:
"Well, it'th for my pet thnake, and he doethn't give a toth!"

Love it ! and Paddy and the doughnuts .

[COLOR="Black"]News Flash[/COLOR]

BEER now cheaper than Petrol - Drink, Dont Drive. :D
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Good one Dave my Husband loved it!!

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10.. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' ‘How's that?' 'Don't you start!.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off..

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'


23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers
have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Read all these funnies today.Never laughed so much in ages "Brilliant" Not joking

"laughed " peed a bucketful

IF YOU THINK THAT YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED, DO NOT READ, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED


Something guaranteed to offend absolutely everyone !



Read the forehead dot thing at the bottom as well, I didnt notice it at first..




A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......


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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night,

whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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THE FOREHEAD DOT

Finally, someone has explained this.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a corner shop, a petrol station,
a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel in the United Kingdom .
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.