Topic: A funny joke for you

.
Two fish in a tank.

One fish says to the other ~ Do you know how to drive this thing?
----------------------------------------------------------------

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg, and the priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily put his hand on her knee. She said, "Father, remember Psalm 29". The priest removed his hand but a little later, whilst changing gear he touched her knee again. The nun repeated, "Father, remember Psalm 29". The priest apologised, "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church the priest rushed to look up Psalm 29, which said, "Go forth and seek. Further up you will find glory".

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament",is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance."Welcome to Heaven",says St Peter.." but before you settle in,it seems there is a problem.We seldom see a high official around these parts,you see, se we're not sure what to do with you."No problem, just let me in",says the man."Well,i'd like to but i have orders from higher up.What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in Heaven,then you can choose where to spend eternity"."Really,i've made up my mind,i want to be in heaven"."I'm sorry but we have our rules",and with that,St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,down,down to hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is happy and in evening dress.They run to greet him,shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.Also present is the devil,who is a really friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,it is time to go.Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elavator rises........The elevator goes up,up,up and the door reopens and ST Peter is waiting for him."Now it's time to visit Heaven".So,24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,playing the harp and singing.They have a good time and after the 24 hours have gone by ST Peter returns."Well,then,you've spent a day in hell and a day in Heaven .Now choose your eternity."The MP reflects for a minute,then answers,"well,i would never have said it before,i mean, Heaven has been delightful,but i think i would be better off in hell".So ST Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,down,down to hell.Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends,dressed in rags,picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder."I don't understand",stammers the the MP,"yesterday i was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne and danced and had a great time...now there's just wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.What happened?
The devil looks at him,smiles and say's,"Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today, you voted"

A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

An MP, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, "We'll have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!" And he jumped. Then the MP said, "I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs me I'm taking one of the parachutes." And he jumped. The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "I've had a good life and yours is still ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The youth shrugged and said, "Don't need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest politician in the world just jumped with my Rucksack!" :D

Two woman friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives,however,they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Barcardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee,so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to clean with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair and didn't want to ruin them but she was lucky enough to be next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,so she proceded to use that. After the girls had finished they headed off home again. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,so he phoned the other husband and said,"These girls nights out have got to stop!I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties on!! "That's nothing," said the other husband,"mine came back with a card stuck to her that said, From all of us at the Fire Station.We will never forget you.

I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point!

The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"



....... apparently the correct answer is Africa?
.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead." :D
----------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry about this one girls....

How do you embarrass a archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Nasty.....