Topic: A funny joke for you

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010- Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .......
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way...

.
.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy!...F". :D :D :D :D

TheMan Rule

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally,the guys' side of the story.
We always hear the rules from the female side


Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!


1. Men are NOTmind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want..Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

5.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


8. If you already think you're fat,then Don't ask us.

9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

12.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, notA color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

14. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

15. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

18. You have enough clothes.

19 .. You have too many shoes.

20. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

21. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight...
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'


Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'


Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.....

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'


Thanks for these Jo. :D hope you don't mind me printing them

Be my guest....everybody thought we just e-mailed about cruising....
Jo.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Your Duck is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

.
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns
and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :D :D

Gill, you are wasted on this site, you need your own stand up show! I have just been crying with laughter after the dead duck joke and will be sharing this with the rest of the hospital when I go to work. We love anything medically related so that hit the spot on many levels. Keep 'em coming Carol